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Saturday, December 31, 2016

The Not-Yet Annual ActionJ4ck Awards 2016

I have been told that all the lamest websites have awards, and this is indeed one of the lamest websites. As such, I would be derelict in my duties if I did not include some sort of end-of-the-year awards article. I am sure that the games industry has just been clamoring for my opinions on their media for the year. So, without further ado, I present to you the Not-Yet Annual ActionJ4ck Awards for 2016, AKA the J4ckies. Or the Actions. Or the Actionies. Or the J4ckets. I haven't quite decided. Anyway...

Sweatiest Gameplay Experience Award

Gone are the days when video games could be exclusively enjoyed within the comforts of your living room, lounging on a cheap sofa or IKEA office chair for hours at a time. Between AR, VR, and whatever the heck the Kinect counts as, we players now find ourselves occasionally forced to create awkward motions with our even more awkward bodies in order to complete the prescribed gaming experience. For those like myself with unpleasantly active sweat glands, this puts us in the unfortunate position of being moist during times when we simply don't want to be moist. The Sweatiest Gameplay Experience Award goes to the game that managed to most moisten us this year. And the J4ckie goes to...

Image source:
http://assets.pokemon.com/assets/cms2/img/video-games/video-games/pokemon_go/screenshots/pokemon-go-01.jpg

Pokemon Go

Not only did this game task us with walking around our respective environment in search of critters from some digital plane of existence, Niantic had the gall to ask us to start doing it in July. Anybody not living in the Arctic Circle was going to see their monthly deodorant expenditures skyrocket. But hey, what were we going to do, not go out and catch 'em all? That's absurd. So kudos to Pokemon Go for making me sweat like an ice cube and still be happy about it.


Best Game With "Over" in Its Name That Isn't Overwatch Award

Let's face it, not every game can go toe to toe with Overwatch. Just ask Battleborn. If the category was simply Best Game With "Over" in its Name then there would be no doubt that Blizzard's take on the FPS genre would clean up. But the world needs to know what other options are out there for "over" games besides Overwatch. Luckily, the Best Game With "Over" in Its Name That Isn't Overwatch Award is here to recognize exactly that. And so the Action goes to...

Image source: http://www.ghosttowngames.com/press/images/Boat_Screen_23022016.png

Overcooked

Do you hate your friends? Is your heart racing more quickly then it should be right now? Have you ever wanted to role play Gordon Ramsey yelling at the culinary incompetence of others? If you answered "no" to any of these questions and would like to change those to a "yes", then grab a few friends and download Overcooked, the premiere game from the two-person development team at Ghost Town Games. The gameplay itself is easy to learn, but each stage adds a chaotic twist that makes Overcooked the ideal party game to play with friends. Keep in mind, however, that they may leave early if you accidentally push them off the top of a semi truck too many times.


Best Exeggutor Award

Making an Exeggutor is no simple task. To craft the perfect balance between toughness, coolness, cuteness, smarts, and beauty is a task reserved only for the true masters of the trade. It requires long hours of work, years of experience, and a very tall display. While its true that there's no such thing as a perfect Exeggutor, the Best Exeggutor Award is given to the game that comes as close to perfection as any mere mortal can hope to achieve. And the Actionie goes to...

Image source: http://www.pokemon-sunmoon.com/en-us/pokemon/alolan-exeggutor/

Pokemon Sun/Pokemon Moon

I mean look at that thing. It's marvelous.


Second Game Ever to Make Me Cry Award

Being the emotionally-deprived husk that I am, it comes as a genuine shock anytime a video game can actually reach its leg out from inside the disk drive and kick my heart in the crotch. It is a rare occurrence indeed, and one that certainly deserves some sort of notoriety (though I believe "notoriety" is rather generous term for anything these awards can provide). And so the J4cket for the Second Game Ever to Make Me Cry goes to...

Image source: http://press.na.square-enix.com/products/p251/final-fantasy-xv

Final Fantasy XV

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER Lunafreya SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER Ardyn SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER, SPOILER I SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER Noctis’s SPOILER-SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER, SPOILER SPOILER. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER Noctis SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER Gladio, Ignis, SPOILER Prompto SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER, SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER-SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER. SPOILER SPOILER Square Enix.

Also, in case you were wondering, the first game to make me cry was Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Red Rescue Team.


Best Matchmaker Character From Fiddler On the Roof Simulator Award

Who among us hasn't secretly always desired to evaluate two people's strengths, weaknesses, and personalities in order to determine if they are the most compatible pair in terms of their imaginary daily lives and for producing a strong child character with good inherited abilities with an appropriate-looking hair color as a profession? You can probably see where this is going. The Best Matchmaker Character From Fiddler On the Roof Simulator Award is given to the game that best allows us to fulfill our 'shipping fantasies by pairing up fictional characters in a virtual world with an easily-exploited algorithm. This year the ActionieJ4ckie goes to...

Image source: http://fireemblem.wikia.com/wiki/Fire_Emblem_Fates

Fire Emblem Fates

With an incalculable (not true) number of matches to be made, the three games of Fire Emblem Fates take the cake when it comes to allowing us to pretend that we have a clue about relationships. Arranging the desired pairings to fight side-by-side as many times as possible during each battle to maximize their affinity for each other is surprisingly addictive, and I more than once found myself looking up from my 3DS and being shocked that it was already 3am. Believe it or not, there is also a pretty good turn-based strategy game hidden underneath the marriage mechanics here. Maybe someday we will even see the Fire Emblem series move away from the dating sim genre and make a name for itself in the turn-based strategy RPG scene.


Best Skyrim Award

Since the release of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on November 11, 2011, few Skyrims have matched up to the first fifth Elder Scrolls game. In fact, if you look back at the nonexistent history of the ActionJ4ck awards you will find that no game has won the Best Skyrim Award since Skyrim was released. But will that change this year? Let's find out. The J4ckar for Best Skyrim of 2016 goes to...

Image source: https://elderscrolls.bethesda.net/skyrim/media/

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim-Special Edition

At long last, a new fifth Elder Scrolls game has come to claim the fabled prize Best Skyrim. Between its improved graphics, console mod support, and lack of any competition since 2011 there was figuratively and literally no better choice. And let's face it: most of us probably played the original so much that we should owe Bethesda another $60 or so anyway.


Game of the Year

Blah blah blah best game. It's pretty self-explanatory. The ActionieJ4ckonie goes to...

Image source: https://playoverwatch.com/en-us/media/

Overwatch

Duh.


And that concludes this year's Not-Yet Annual ActionJ4ck Awards. Hopefully by 2017 I will have actually decided on a name for these imaginary trophies. No promises though.


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