Monday, October 3, 2016

Why Roadhog is Better Than Your Favorite Overwatch Character

Good evening, fellow Overwatch players. I am deeply sorry to be the person to break this to you (not actually true, since otherwise I wouldn't be writing this), but none of your favorite Overwatch characters are actually the best character unless, of course, your favorite character happens to be Roadhog.

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Right now you may be thinking to yourself, "but with such a large and diverse cast of heroes in Overwatch, no one can definitively say that one single character is the best", or "(insert your favorite hero's name here) is way better than lame old Roadhog", or even "Wow, I bet ActionJ4ck is very handsome in real life". Unfortunately all of these statements are woefully incorrect, and here is my multi-point explanation as to why.

Let's start off with appearance. I am average at best. In regards to Roadhog's appearance, though, the man is a straight-up Adonis. I mean look at this guy:

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Those big, bulging biceps. That big, bulging belly. The undone pants! Liquid testosterone practically leaked out of my hard drive when I clicked the "Save as..." button on this image, and I haven't even pointed out the fact that the dude carries a fricken winch on his back.

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Hot. Damn.

Now let's talk about game play. Roadhog's main weapon is the scrap gun, a gun that literally shoots scrap metal. It's a meaty weapon for a meaty fellow, and if you are foolish enough to get up close to it you are going to find a large quantity of that hot metal lodged in your face. Of course, you might now be thinking "Pssh. Whatever. I'll just stay a nice distance away from Roadhog and he won't even be able to hit-aaaargh!", the latter part being what you will scream as this hulking mass of pork deftly grabs you with a chain hook ability and yanks you in close for the kill. You thought that 20 meters would be a safe distance didn't you? Well guess what buddy: you were wrong and now you're back at the spawn point. Congratulations. Enjoy the long walk back to the payload. Maybe you can spend all that extra time reconsidering your favorite Overwatch hero.

"Oh please, how much damage could that possibly do?" you may be wondering. The answer is about 200 damage. Yes, 200 damage. A well placed chain hook followed by a scrap gun blast and a quick melee attack can easily deal well over 200 damage in the course of about 1.5 seconds, which is enough to send 14 of Overwatch's 22 characters to the kill screen even at full health. Tracer? Scrap 'em. Genji? Scrap 'em. Junkrat, McCree, Pharah, Solder: 76, Hanzo, Torbjorn, Widowmaker, Ana, Lucio, Mercy, Symmetra, and Zenyatta? Scrap 'em. Scrap all of 'em. And should they have more than 200 hit points? Most of these characters have relatively large body sizes (Reinhardt, Winston, Bastion, etc.) who are the most likely to take maximum damage from Roadhog's scrap gun, ensuring that that extra health will be gone quickly.

"Okay, so he can deal lots of damage. That probably means he's only got a little health, right?" Wrong. At 600 hit points, Roadhog boasts the highest total hit point count out the entire cast of Overwatch. This would only not be true if one counts both D.Va's mech's HP and D.Va as a pilot's HP together, but let's not do that because that would just be inconvenient for my argument and I don't want that. In addition that massive health pool, Roadhog has access to a little ability called "Take A Breather" which heals half of that amount. It's a move that lasts a mere 2 seconds long and only has an 8 second cooldown. That means that in the time it takes for you to say "Roadhog is awesome" he can give himself more hit points than most Overwatch characters even have. Step aside, Mercy.

"But he's still not perfect. His ultimate ability just pushes people around and doesn't deal all that much damage!" Psssh. Only because Roadhog feels sorry for all those other losers and doesn't want to show off too much. And he's really only pushing people backwards with his ultimate so that he can experience the fun of pulling them back in with his chain hook all over again. It's true. Trust me. Why would I exaggerate?

Some of you may still be unconvinced. "But surely there is some hero that can counter Roadhog," you may be thinking. "Somebody must possess the strength and durability to take him head on." And the answer is yes. Other Roadhogs. Duh.

So there you have it. Roadhog is, quite frankly, a "one-man apocalypse". The man can cause all the mayhem and destruction of the latest Mad Max movie but in a quarter of the time and with the same amount of dialogue. Now go forth, my newly-declared Roadhog players, and scrap 'em.